Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Small Stuff is Just Small Stuff

Last Sunday, AR and I were lucky enough to do a mother~daughter photoshoot with Melanie from Water to Sky Photography. We got to wear matching outfits, get our hair and makeup done, and AR was totally rockin' the part of creative director. She was coming up with different poses and places for us to take pictures, she was really getting into it! I was so proud of her for stepping up and sharing her ideas, not being afraid to share her opinion with the adults. It's the kind of woman I'm wanting her to grow up to be. It was just a really awesome afternoon that made me a proud momma.

Now, fast forward to today... AR had a crown put on her tooth so it was quite the experience for both of us. She was so brave, didn't cry, squeezed my hand every now and then, although I was probably squeezing hers harder than she was me, and once again, I was so proud of my girl. Again, this is the brave, young lady we want her to grow up and be.

After her appointment, we came home and rested for a bit. We skipped gymnastics because her "tooth was still asleep" and I was worried she might accidentally bite it so we just rescheduled for next week. I made dinner then we ran a few errands and came back home. As I was cleaning up the kitchen, I got out AR's medicine to take. Let me say that she HATES the last two meds she's had, just doesn't like the taste. Most of the time she takes it fine, just making a face afterward, but every now and then, it's a battle. Tonight, I gave it to her like I always do then she opened her mouth, making the ew face and it came pouring out. I moved her hand up to her mouth to try and catch it, doing the same with mine but that only encouraged her to spit it out even more. By the time this was all over, about ten seconds, there was medicine all over both of our hands, her shirt, my shirt, the Magic 8 Ball in her hand, the floor, and anywhere but her mouth, and then I had a Mommy meltdown.

I read an article once about how easy it is to clean up spilled milk but how hard it is to fix self-esteem. Here I was, freaking out because medicine was everywhere and she didn't even get any and blah blah blah stuff that doesn't matter. How long did it take me to clean up the floor? About ten seconds. She had to have a bath anyway so it's not like I did anything extra to clean the medicine off her and her clothes were going to be washed anyway. So in the big scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal, right? Yet here I was losing it and I don't even know why. Immediately I felt bad and took a few deep breaths but when I went to talk to AR, she was the one that told me it was alright and that she'd always love me. And then I almost lost it again...

I've been so stressed out lately and I know I've been short with AR. I've honestly just spread myself too thin between my FT job, writing, keeping us busy on the weekends, trying to socialize, and stay busy when I don't have AR and my sleep has been lacking. I've also been working out WAY more than I have in oh...forever which exhausts me too. Oh and I've been putting so much pressure on myself about if I'm making good parenting choices that it's only racking that stress level of mine up higher and higher. Long story short, I need to get more beauty rest!

So when I got online and saw this picture that Melanie posted from our shoot , I got tears in my eyes and I've wanted to cry all night long. I'm still upset at myself for getting upset with her over something so small. I'm so caught up in all these small things that in the end are just that, small. I need to chill out and let some of this stuff just roll off my back. I need to look at this picture every day and remind myself of the awesome relationship I have with my daughter. I have so many fears of what the future will be like, how she'll be that I'm not even enjoying today. It's moments like these that I need to cherish and make more of. I love my AR more than anything in the world and I really to focus on making sure she knows that. Tonight, I feel like a mom fail but then I look at this moment that was captured and know that I'm far from it, I just need to work harder to make more moments like these.


1 comment :

Hilary said...

I needed this. I've been super short with Beckett lately too. I had hoped the 2nd trimester would bring me more energy, but it really hasn't and he's been refusing to go to bed until between 9-10 and it's just exhausting!! I just love the moments in the morning when everyone is rested and he's being sweet, lol.