Monday, August 13, 2012

Back to the Grind...

...yes, today is officially the last day of my maternity leave. I'll be surprised if the laptop still works after writing this post because I'm crying like a baby. In some ways, I'm ready to go back but deep down I worry about it and I really don't want to leave her. I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things, it'll be fine but leaving her that first day, week, month is going to be hard.

Honestly, I haven't had a single social engagement other than short visits here or there with friends since AR's been born and a wedding reception last Friday. Until she was 10 weeks, I could probably count on both hands the number of times I'd gotten out of the house and those were mainly to run errands. Once she got her shots though, we were on the go! But I was always careful to plan things around when she'd eat so we were never gone too long. It'll be nice to get back to work to see my co-workers and interact with people. It'll even be nice to apply my brain! Hopefully going back to work will help my mommy brain ; I swear I tell the same story to the same person at least 3x.

I am also ready to really "start" life with a baby meaning getting back into the groove of "real life" i.e. grocery shopping, social engagements, etc...Right now, Matt and I arrange it so one of us stays home with her or one of our moms watch her. I know once we're both working, it'll be a lot harder to do that.

I'm also a totally worrier. If you've been reading my blog for awhile and haven't picked up on that then I'm worried about you. Now with having my MIL and the babysitter watching her, I'll have 2 more minds to pick about what they think or to reassure me that I'm just freaking out.

All that said, I don't want to leave her! I was very lucky to be able to take the full 12 weeks off. I was able to watch her grow and establish a great breastfeeding relationship. In the past few weeks, she's really started hitting some big milestones in rolling over, reaching for things, talking, smiling and I don't want to miss a single thing. I've told the sitter and my MIL that if she does something monumental while they're watching her, I don't want to know about. That way when she does it for me then in my mind it'll be the first time she did it!

I'm also so sad that I'm only going to get a few hours a day with her. It's going to be hard for me to go from spending 24 hours a day with her to about an hour in the morning and then a couple hours at night. While I said I'm ready to start doing more things socially, I feel like when I'm off on the weekends that I'm not going to want to do anything but spend time with her. Luckily, I work this coming Sunday so I'll get a day off with her next week.

Now my biggest fear about returning to work is breastfeeding and I cannot state how much this concerns me. As I stated above, it's going really good. My supply is doing great, AR latches on awesome and I have 500+ ounces frozen. But I also haven't really had too much to stress out about. I'm afraid that work and her taking more bottles will effect my milk supply.

I really want to try to BF for a year. I never thought I'd feel so strongly about it. My original goal was to make it the 12 weeks I was home. The biggest reasons for me is 1. knowing all the good things she's getting from me. 2. I love seeing her smile up at me in the morning, I know that'll be a great start to my day. 3. it's free! Plus I think I'm going to be in shock once I have to start washing more than one bottle a day.

My goal is to just stay positive about it, reach out for help if needed and nurse her as often as I can. I'm hoping to still be able to nurse her 4/7 feedings (but hopefully we'll drop that middle of the night one-ha!). My plan is to only give her bottles when I'm away from her so on the weekends, it'll probably be all nursing. On the nights I have to work, I plan on taking her in to the babysitter's late so we'll still get 3 nursing sessions in before I have to drop her off. Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing.

It's crazy to think about where we came from. This time last year, I was gearing up for our second round of IVF. I had three totsicles waiting for me and now I have this beautiful, amazing daughter. Some days it's still so foreign to me that I'm really a mommy. I love every moment I have with her even when she's crying in the middle of the night or shooting milk out her nose on me, I wouldn't trade a single dirty diaper for anything else. It makes me sad to know that I won't ever have an extended time like this with her again but I'm looking forward to all the memories and milestones we're going to experience together.

Baby girl, I hope you know that your momma loves you more than you'll ever know and there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for you. OXXO (not the store)


Slamdunk said...

Glad all shared this special time together and I look forward to reading about the adventures you have during the transition. Keep up the good work mom.

Shawna said...

I feel for you today, I bet you are having a rough one. BIG HUGS to you and AR!!!!

SLESE1014 said...

going back to work was hard, but you'll get into a groove. I actually found my supply improved a little when I went back to work. I hope you have good luck with that too.

I'll be thinking of your as you head back to work...Good luck!

Jodi said...

IT is hard leaving them I cried the first day I dropped them off, that gets way easier though. Basically you get used to doing everything you used to have all day to get done done in the 3 hours after work. The money is GREAT the rest not so great.

Julie said...

Good luck ma'am :)