Letting Go...

...do you all remember my post back in February about October 2? Well to summarize, we have two weddings on that day. I'm the DOC in Matt's cousin's wedding which his family is not on good terms with and Matt agreed to be an usher in that wedding. The other wedding is our best man's who did some real shady stuff before, during and after our wedding to both Matt and I. Matt was supposed to be the best man but through the grapevine, we found out that Matt no longer is but is apparently in the wedding as something. Last time Matt and BM talked was June 2009 and no talk of the wedding. Here's the update three months out...

The Monday after the Fourth of July, BM calls Matt to discuss the wedding. The Saturday after the Fourth of July, BM calls me!?! Matt and BM play phone tag for about a week until they finally caught up with each other a week ago Monday. Matt talks to BM and basically told him (this is summarized in my mind of "dude talk"), "Look man, I never heard from you and I heard your cousin was your best man so my cousin asked me to be in her wedding as an usher..."...wait for it, we all know Matt can't say no and doesn't like to upset anyone, "...but if we can work it out, I'd really love to be in yours too." WHAT!?! Do tell Matt how the hell you're going to pull that one off BUT moving on to the next part...

Matt walks upstairs and hands me the phone, I stare blankly at him with an "are you kidding me" look. I sigh and take the phone knowing that this has to come at sometime so let's just do it now. So BM and I get on the phone and I think he felt that the bigger words he used, the more sincere his apology was.

After he said his bit, I told him exactly what I thought and how I felt and confessed that he wasn't entirely to blame. Yes, he "started it" with his actions but it was Matt and I's reactions that continued it going. I also told him that he doesn't know the "whole story." That he just sees me as the one "keeping Matt" from him but the honest to goodness truth is that Matt's a big boy and he makes his own decisions. Many a moon since our wedding, I've encouraged Matt to put everything behind us and call BM but he chose not to. Any time I see that BM has emailed or FB-ed Matt, I tell him and encourage him to respond. When BM asked Matt about the hunting in MO and I found an article on the Post's website, I sent it to BM from Matt (of course I told Matt that I was doing this). I also told BM, you obviously don't know Matt very well to think that he reads the Post online much less sends articles to people. BM laughed and said good point and thought it was "very cool" of me to pass that info on to him.

I also told BM that I don't care that he hurt me and bad mouthed me because for all the ways he wronged me, the thing that upset me the most is that you were supposed to be my husband's best friend. You were supposed to encourage and support him and laugh with him and help him relax and chill out on his wedding day but you didn't. I'm the one that sees how upset Matt is that your friendship is broken and that's what hurts me more than anything. We ended the conversation with a couple laughs, a quick "life update" and a promise to try to make things get back the way they were (both of us agreeing it wouldn't take over night but as some point down the road, hopefully it'll be what is used to be).

This past Friday night, Matt looks at me laughing and randomly out of no where says, "Know what you and BM have in common?"
Me: We're both in love with you? *laughing at my own joke*
Matt: No, he was telling me the other night how they moved into their new house and his fiance keeps yelling at him for not keeping the bathroom clean.
Me: *biggest eye roll you've ever seen*
Matt: I laughed when he said that and told him that he has something in common with you.
Me: Gee dear, thanks for pointing out that we're both slobs in the bathroom. Next time I see him, I'll be sure to bring that up.

My Mattie always makes me laugh. I think he's been spending too much time with me because he's *almost* as random as I am these days.

So there you have it, almost two years of built up frustration, aggravation and many tears and worries and I'm trying to just, deep breath, let go...now we just have to figure out the whole double wedding drama so in a way we're back to square one but once again, deep breath and just...let it go...

UPDATE: I wrote this post over the weekend. On Monday afternoon, Matt's aunt called me and when I called back, she kindly offered for Matt to not be an usher in the wedding. No drama or hard feelings...basically they were having issues with the other usher and she didn't want Matt to be out two tuxes so she just figured she'd save the hassle and just have the groomsmen do double duty because it's a very small wedding. So they're happy, Matt's happy and me? Well, I'm trying to let it go...just letting it all go...