Monday, August 26, 2013

On Having Another...

…a few mom friends out there that had babies around the time AR was born are announcing they are prego again which is totally exciting for them but it brings on a flood of feelings for me. I feel like I conquered infertility when I had AR but when people ask about a second or other people talk about having other kids, all those feelings of helplessness and no control associated with infertility returns.
I go back and forth on having a second. I mean, we’ve always said we wanted 2 kids but that was before we had to do IVF. I know there is no chance we’d ever get pregnant naturally…if we do, hell would freeze over so there’s your warning. So if we wanted to have a second kid, that means we’d either have to adopt or do IVF again.  
We’ve never really considered adoption. It just wasn’t an avenue we looked into it. I think the scariest thing about adoption is how much you’re judged and “graded” with the home visits, interviews, etc…I understand the importance of it and why they do it but my biggest fear would be that our house isn’t nice enough, our jobs aren’t good enough or being told we aren’t good parents. A part of me feels like we have all this love to give so we should open our home to another child but then those fears kick in and I internally freak out. 
As for going through fertility treatments again, ugh…I’m torn. If we had any embryos left, it would be a no brainer but we don’t which means we’d have to start fresh…stimulation, egg retrieval, transfer, wait, wait, wait…all of which requires money, patience and being in good health which I’m so far from right now that it’s not even funny. I just can’t imagine going through all that and keeping up with AR at the same time plus staying sane.
It makes me sad to watch other couples who can make this decision so easily and getting pregnant is no problem. I go back and forth on whether we want to try again. I tell myself if I don’t get my hopes up then I can’t get upset and go through all the frustration that comes with fertility treatments. The maternal part of my brain reasons that it’s okay to have an only child so that we can give all our love and attention to AR…as if the girl isn’t spoiled enough! Bottom line, it’s a HUGE decision to have a second child and while, yes, I’m getting older, there’s no reason to rush the decision. So for now, I’m going to enjoy my sweet AR and celebrate the moms out there brave enough to have 2 under 2!

PS-Sorry about the font size; Blogger was flippin' out on me!


Julie said...

I do'nt even have 1 year but I hear ya in many ways. My SIL just announced yesterday that she'll be due with #3 next April and then she'll have 3 under 4 years old. While I know she wants to have kids so close together, it just bothers me that she doesn't see the ones now enough or spend equal amounts with each one, esp with the issues the latest had.

AR has one of the best mommies around, you're doing great :)

Liz said...

Oh I have so many thoughts on this but mostly, it just makes me sad that people who are/would be good parents, have to struggle with fertility issues in the first place. Fortunately, I'm not one of them, but meeting so many women recently who are has made me realize just how fortunate I really am.

And I'll admit, it's easy to forget what a sensitive topic it is, and the emotions it stirs, even when the person already has one child. It's not like - oh, well, she has a kid already, she's FINE with her infertility now. NOPE. Not the case.

But, if it happens that AR is an only child, know that there are TONS of benefits to having just one. As an only child, I can say this. :) Had I not been an only child, my parents wouldn't have been able to pay for my college, or afford braces for me, or let me have their car when I got my first job at 17. Or at least, they wouldn't have been able to do all that without sacrificing something else. And I know several people who have chosen to just have one, even though they could've easily gotten pregnant with more. It just sucks when the circumstances aren't a choice in the first place. My mom CHOSE to have just one child. It wasn't a result of circumstance. But for those where one is their only option, I can definitely see how all the talk and questions about a second baby would get ya down. :(

Jamie said...

Lurker here: I'm not infertile, but I'm a mom of naturally born kids and a kiddo from adoption. It has been one if the most awesome gifts of my life and such a blessing. I too dreaded the paperwork/home study stuff but it wasn't so bad. My social worker told us. Their goal is not to cut people out, but it's to include as many families as possible. They want homes for those kiddos where they are loved and wanted. Good luck on your decision making in the future, I just wanted to share.

Jenni-Bee said...

I will totally back you up 100% whichever way you go because you are a great Mom and like I've expressed to you before, I would love for you to have another... or ten. I think any road you take will be a hard one (even the road with AR being an only child). So don't look at just the cons, look at all of the pros!

If you adopt, that child may not have had anybody! You'd be saving them. If you go through the treatments, after it's all done, you'll have another "AR" to love. And like Liz said, if you only have AR, then she will be the most loved baby girl. :-)

Knowing you, you've already looked at both sides, so this was probably all a moot point, but I thought I'd add fuel to the fire. ;-)

Good post Momma!

Jenni-Bee said...

Oh, one more thing... if ANYONE could go through all of IVF again with a child under two, it would totally be you. You have more energy than most people.

Kelly said...

I completely understand your feelings on this topic. I was scared to try again but we forged ahead anyway. It was rough being back in that spot for sure but I knew it would be worth it in the end. Of course, it didn't work out for us and now I am back to just enjoying and cherishing every moment with my little B. I am sure whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your family!

Oh...and infertility sucks so freaking bad!

Meg @ Meg-in-Training said...

I can't imagine how you feel and it sucks that people like you who are amazing mommies have to go thru something like this. I am with everyone else in saying that whatever you choose, it will be the right decision. Take your time on deciding and enjoy that precious little girl you have at home. I'll say a prayer for you that you can find comfort in whatever decision you make. AR is lucky to have you as a momma and I am glad to call you a friend.

Joanna said...

Whatever you choose will be the best decision for your family. Something only you & Matt can decide. Even with 3 I still have those same questions. Technically, I only had one birth. I would love to be pregnant again(I really enjoyed it). With that birth I got 3 healthy boys (which in itself is a HUGE blessing don't get me wrong). I would love to have a little girl but there are no guarantees. I see our friends that have the twin boys & triplet girls (or even my friends that have girls) & yearn for that feeling of mother/daughter. God showed us I was able to conceive naturally, but that doesn't mean it would happen again or that we would have any problems if we did try. I am back & forth on this subject almost every day. Yes, I should be satisfied in what I have (& I am very thankful) but that doesn't mean that another one wouldn't be loved just the same. At least for now, I do want to love & show these boys just how much they were wanted (even without a girl in the mix ;) ).